80 Things I Learned From Law Abiding Citizen
1. There’s always plenty of time to relocate explosives from City Hall to prison, even when you don't want to arouse any suspicion.
2. Strip down to your birthday suit before being arrested by SWAT.
3. Continue murdering people even after Jamie Foxx's tells you to "end this."
4. Judge Burch probably takes it up the ass.
5. When cars are blowing up around you, don't try to get out, just stare at Jamie Foxx.
6. Also, staring at your colleague could possibly free her from an exploding car.
7. Even though you have a day job mindlessly killing people for the government, bitch and moan when that same mindless violence comes back around to find you.
8. Wrenches are for bolts… dumb ass.
9. Don’t fuck with Gerard Butler.
10. Spies love openly admitting they are spies.
11. One man is smarter than the entire police force, FBI, and CIA but he prefers to live in a modest house in the suburbs.
12. The justice system never works.
13. Be careful when answering your cell phone, because you never know…
14. Being punctual can mean life or death.
15. If you're the most wanted man alive, just put on a cop or janitor's uniform. No one will bat an eye.
16. Tonight, we dine in a cell!
17. That when a cell gets blown to shit, nothing happens. No alarms, no guards running… nothing.
18. After killing a guy, you can go sit through your daughters’ recital like nothing happened.
19. When cars are exploding… don't bother to run, just stare at everyone getting blown up.
20. To all Prosecutors - before you agree to a plea bargain, make sure that the survivor of the murder victims is not a genius Engineer Macgyver-type that will exact revenge and can kill from a distance.
21. Wearing the wrong necktie can kill you.
22. If you are in prison and your bed is uncomfortable, just bargain for a new mattress. You are probably going to be there a while so why not be comfortable?
23. When your mother tells you not to open the DVD, do NOT open the DVD!
24. Apparently, it’s out of style for a burglar to sneak in your house while you are away or asleep - now they just knock on the door and barge on in!
25. When someone knocks on your door at night and you are not expecting company, there is no need to look out the peep hole before opening the door. I am sure that it;s not two crazy men that have come to kill your family.
26. If Clyde wants you dead, then you're dead.
27. Apparently a screenwriter can write an entire film without realizing that "law-abiding" is hyphenated.
28. Gerard Butler has a nice backside.
29. 600 cops and attorneys don't notice an armed bomb squad robot diffusing unit roaming around a cemetery.
30. After telling everyone to be careful and diligent, when the vehicles in which you are riding automatically stop don't bother to get out.
31. Children like Darby.
32. Gerard Butler is so tough he can take a baseball bat to the forehead and remain conscious. 33. There is no legal reciprocity with Panama.
34. Never take a gun from a stranger without first examining the grip.
35. When you bury someone alive, make sure he only has enough oxygen until 1:15 pm.
36. Prisons scan catered food for weapons but don't realize there's a bone in the steak.
37. Killing your cellmate will land you in solitary every time.
38. Napalm only works in slow motion.
39. Every computer ever made is an Apple laptop.
40. A D.A. is armed, only when it suits the "plot", and can walk around a prison with a gun.
41. When you've called your legal team to prison for safety while they search for evidence on a psycho killer who says to free him by 6:00 am or he'll kill everybody, send everyone home on their own at 6:02. Threat's over!
42. Jamie's Foxx will check your emails from your boyfriend after you're dead. Said boyfriend apparently doesn't know you're dead...because he's sending you emails.
43. Guards don't really ever check up on their prisoners to see if they are in their cell.
44. If you are an accomplice to Murder/Rape, always let the guy who did the actual killing/raping talk to cops first so he can cut a deal leave you out to dry.
45. Jamie Foxx can get you out the back door of prison - just so can put his fist into your face a few times - then quietly return you to the inside. Without anyone around. Chuck Norris?!!
46. Puffer fish poison may paralyze you but you'll have just enough strength to continue standing perfectly still in an upright position.
47. Industrial property in Philly is a downright bargain.
48. Always listen to a stranger with a computerized voice when running from the cops!
49. You can’t fight fate!
50. You can just move armed napalm without detonating it.
51. When you went through so much trouble to hide your transactions of purchasing buildings, you don't bother to change the amount transferred. In fact, you leave them to exact change, so that a simple number comparison would reveal your only exit.
52. When you're a genius mastermind who have planned to "bring the whole system down" for 10 years, there is no such thing as plan B. When your only exit is identified, you're done.
53. Napalm will only destroy one cell block; the rest of the prison will be fine. No chaos can occur from it.
54. An effective torture method is to first saw off the feet, then cut off the toes with tin snips.
55. The black guy doesn’t always die first!
56. Everyone = 3 people in a few cars.
57. Clyde never told his daughter to run away from people with weapons.
58. Clyde has enough energy to say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but nowhere near enough to tell his daughter to RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
59. You can get into any secure building by disguising yourself as the janitor.
60. If a compelling story has too many holes, you can plug them up with explosives.
61. If the movie makes enough money, you figure out a way to live through a fire in an inescapable cell such as the water sprinklers coming on.
62. Jamie Foxx has used his razor flip phone for 10 years
63. They had razor flip phones 10 years ago.
64. Your life really does depend on the next phone call you make which could only have 25 seconds left in it.
65. 25 seconds is enough time to close a secure hatch and walk 1 mile underground before napalm goes off... you should be just fine.
66. Leaving your janitoral cart outside the room where you left the napalm bomb is a bad idea, it might bite you in the ass later.
67. Nobody will suspect a thing when you leave City Hall without the janitorial cart you came in with.
68. Underground Parking garages will bypass any police roadblock in downtown Philly.
69. It takes Jamie Foxx about 10 or 15 murders to realize he needs to get his family into protective custody.
70. No one thinks it's a good idea to get bullet-proof cars for high-ranking legal officials who are probably on a madman's death list.
71. When you're tapping into security cameras to monitor the room you're about to blow up, also tap into the security cameras that monitor the other room where you left the bomb in plain view.
73. If you're going to use your cell phone to detonate a bomb, there’s no need to do it before you return to your prison cell. I mean, there’s no way that the bomb has somehow moved to be under your bed. You wouldn’t want it to go off and blow up the guy who put it there and armed it and is now waiting in your cell to chat with you because he thinks you won't blow it up until you come back and lay back on your bed.
74. If the world's most notorious prisoner is incinerated in a huge conflagration while talking in his cell to the district attorney, nobody will ask any embarrassing questions. These things happen all the time.
75. The pillow under the blanket to make it look like you’re sleeping in bed works whether you’re a teenage sneaking out after curfew or a high security criminal.
76. The sinks in Philly prison cells are mounted to free-swinging trap doors, with no plumbing hooked up to them behind the door to hold them in place.
77. If you find yourself in a solitary confinement cell in a Philly prison, be sure to check that weird submarine hatch at the back of the cell. It probably leads to a tunnel that you can use to escape.
78. A steak bone to the neck = gallons of spurting blood. Getting hit with a hundred or so 50-caliber, armor-piercing rounds fired through your SUV = hardly any blood, as if the shooting victim only cut himself shaving.
79. Gadget guys are only into the high-tech stuff, and can't be bothered with low-tech things like a peephole for their front door.
80. Your family can’t feel anymore because they are dead. DUH!
